One comment - the vernacular bad grammar in his last sentence on page 53 seemed out of place. His internal monologue is always business letter formal, and this is the first time we've heard him fall back to a country accent.
The thought process's of this LEO are actually pretty close to those of current real life LEO's. The abuses they get away with daily are very similar to those suffered by the characters in your story.
This "police officer" is clearly a complete douchebag and utterly pathetic example of a human being. Why would anyone have any interest at all into the inner workings of this cretin's mind.
Your style is too staccato to hold a reader's interest (a problem you don't have with your economic blogs). You need to vary sentence length to create a more lively pace. The reason a publisher won't publish it is not because it's too 'experimental', it's because it's poorly written. (I haven't read enough to comment on your ability to structure a story.) You need to put in a lot more time writing or employ a capable editor who can show you how to control pacing at the sentence level. Best wishes.
I agree the writing is not where you want it to be. You are using the clipped sentence structure ala "Dragnet" but it is too too boring and nauseating to read for more than a paragraph. You can achieve the effect you want but vary the structure and we can actually read it. And don't have the entire book be in this guy's voice either. I like the outside point of view; it makes it more understandable. It is a welcome relief from the staccato of the cop. My 2 cents worth.
deborah lee said....What struck me so funny when i read this, was i was actually in a very similar experience to the speeder,not near as severe though,i was stopped by a local cop,who that i was somebody else, when i tried to give him my drivers license, (which i kept under the drivers seat at the time) and i was reaching under seat to give him the license he screamed at me to put my hands on the wheel, and scoulding me how badly that looked from his perspective, then he asked me if i saw any other car leaving the lot and i said yes i saw a black car and he disn't even appalogize for wrongfully stopping me. your story is somewhat relavant to peoples daily lives,although it goes to some extremes,which on some rare occasions colud possible happen i suppose.I get the feeling you are taking your reaer down the road of how a government going socialist and the dwittling away at capitalism and our so called freedoms get diminished bye and bye and how government gone wild can actually end up destoying our economy and everthing else tied to it.
Brilliant way to start the morning.
ReplyDeleteOne comment - the vernacular bad grammar in his last sentence on page 53 seemed out of place. His internal monologue is always business letter formal, and this is the first time we've heard him fall back to a country accent.
The thought process's of this LEO are actually pretty close to those of current real life LEO's. The abuses they get away with daily are very similar to those suffered by the characters in your story.
ReplyDeleteThis "police officer" is clearly a complete douchebag and utterly pathetic example of a human being. Why would anyone have any interest at all into the inner workings of this cretin's mind.
ReplyDeletePower corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
ReplyDeletethis is how we lost our freedom.
A very scary story, but so true.
Your style is too staccato to hold a reader's interest (a problem you don't have with your economic blogs). You need to vary sentence length to create a more lively pace. The reason a publisher won't publish it is not because it's too 'experimental', it's because it's poorly written. (I haven't read enough to comment on your ability to structure a story.) You need to put in a lot more time writing or employ a capable editor who can show you how to control pacing at the sentence level. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid to go out now.
ReplyDeleteI agree the writing is not where you want it to be. You are using the clipped sentence structure ala "Dragnet" but it is too too boring and nauseating to read for more than a paragraph. You can achieve the effect you want but vary the structure and we can actually read it. And don't have the entire book be in this guy's voice either. I like the outside point of view; it makes it more understandable. It is a welcome relief from the staccato of the cop. My 2 cents worth.
ReplyDeletedeborah lee said....What struck me so funny when i read this, was i was actually in a very similar experience to the speeder,not near as severe though,i was stopped by a local cop,who that i was somebody else, when i tried to give him my drivers license, (which i kept under the drivers seat at the time) and i was reaching under seat to give him the license he screamed at me to put my hands on the wheel, and scoulding me how badly that looked from his perspective, then he asked me if i saw any other car leaving the lot and i said yes i saw a black car and he disn't even appalogize for wrongfully stopping me. your story is somewhat relavant to peoples daily lives,although it goes to some extremes,which on some rare occasions colud possible happen i suppose.I get the feeling you are taking your reaer down the road of how a government going socialist and the dwittling away at capitalism and our so called freedoms get diminished bye and bye and how government gone wild can actually end up destoying our economy and everthing else tied to it.
ReplyDeleteI dunno... I kinda like it, different....I was thinking, the end would be, this 'guy' is a new experimental AI android...has that feel...
ReplyDelete'piper
I managed to complete reading page 36.
ReplyDeleteI read page 37.
I read a few of the comments..
I am literally STILL laughing-out-loud as the memory of...
"I make no judgements about this disgusting pig, this child-molesting scum bag piece of shit. I only read him his rights."
keeps playing through my head. This is FANTASTIC!
But the pesky editor in me noticed - "Then I go back for the girl, Leslie."
The Trooper never got the girl's name - how can he go back for 'Leslie'?